My poem earned a special mention from Clive Barker!

Aviary Photo_130626067037651280

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In which I reflect on bullying and abusive relationships…(Or, “In Which I try not to sound like an ass…and probably fail…”)

My mother raised me to be fearless, not by her own intention but because I saw her fear for me. I didn’t want her to worry so I showed her there was nothing to be scared of. As an adult, nothing has touched me. No one has hurt me because I. Won’t. Let. Them. I am stubborn and arrogant and I think these are good qualities because being confident in myself (or faking it so well that even I believe it) has kept me safe.

Some people are attracted to weakness. They seek those who will let someone walk all over them, bully them, dominate them, and thank them for it and yes, that’s terrible. I wish people weren’t like that but, ultimately, I think YOU’RE responsible for how you’re treated. If you don’t want to be a victim then stop being weak. Stop thinking you “deserve it” stop bashing yourself for past mistakes, stop falling for their manipulations, just STOP. Stand up for yourself.

I often say “If I don’t like what I write, or don’t think I’m any good, then why would anyone else.” In this case, if you don’t think you’re worth being treated well, then why would anyone else. You need to value yourself before you expect anyone else to, if you don’t love yourself then you’ll never really believe you’re deserving of love and you’ll keep attracting the kind of people who will use you and do everything they can to keep you down. Don’t let them. Just, don’t. People only have power over you if you let them have it.

What about a more physical abuse, you ask? Well that’s a little different, of course, but confidence is key. Those kinds of people are still looking for weakness. If you’re walking down a dark, empty street and you think someone is following you, well what do you do? Instinct is to look around, look behind you, speed up, run. But that shows fear, weakness, and then they know you’re afraid. So, you keep your stride. Keep your head up, shoulders back, and just fake it. If you’re afraid, they won’t know it and they’ll probably think twice about doing anything because you’re still in control, you’re still in the position of power and if they want to take it from you they’re going to have to TAKE it.

I’m speaking from experience, not a lot of experience, but some. I had a boyfriend, once, who tried to keep me from leaving, he turned violent, grabbed me and, yes, I was afraid. He was bigger than me and stronger but I looked him in the eye and quietly told him to take his hands off me before I hurt him. He hesitated, I said “Now.” low and firm, and he did. Suddenly, he was apologetic. He didn’t mean anything by it, he didn’t mean to hurt me, he just didn’t want me to leave.

Then there was a guy, let’s call him a roommate’s boyfriend for simplicity, and he and my friend were fighting, so I went in to see if she needed me, she said yes so I told him to leave. He refused and when we tried to call the police he grabbed the phone and ripped it out of the wall. Then, he came at me so I punched him in the face. He seemed stunned for a moment and when he got mad and moved toward me again I took an aggressive stance and said “Go ahead, you know what Justin will do if you touch me.” I called him out, and he ran away. He and my friend got back together a few days later, her choice to continue dealing with an abusive relationship, so I moved out. (And the rumor is that my punch gave him a black eye and a fractured jaw.)

The point is, when you act from a place of strength and confidence you’ll see that the bully is the one who is lacking and trying to build their self-esteem by tearing you down. Don’t let them. And if you’re a bully, you should learn to love yourself, because, I’m not going to.

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In which I support tasteless jokes (and make one of my own)

It seems that people are offended again! *gasp*

Joan Rivers is the villain this time because of a statement she made on The Today Show when asked about living in her daughter’s guest room. “Those women in the basement in Cleveland had more space.” 

Personally, I chuckled when I saw the video. It’s an absurb remark, people, not meant to be taken seriously. It’s why an alien in a wig or a talking milkshake can make jokes about rape and be funny (Hello, American Dad and ATHF.) it’s not meant to be taken seriously. It’s meant to shock you and make you uncomfortable. If you don’t like it, don’t watch.

I’m glad she isn’t going to apologize. Why should she? She had a point when she said, ““One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re OK, I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

She made a joke and they’re making a lot of fuss for people who don’t want any publicity. Did they go through a terrible ordeal? I suppose they did, I tend to avoid reading about things like that because they’re fucking depressing. (I’m aware but I don’t want, or need, to know the details.) Are they milking the attention now in an effort to make up for lost time? Sure seems so to me and why shouldn’t they? But such a strong reaction to an off hand remark seems contrived.

(“Gee, people seem to have forgotten about our ordeal…wait! Joan Rivers made a joke about it; this is perfect! Let’s make a fuss and we’re bound to be “trending” again!”)

But I am a bit cynical, especially when it comes to people and their motivations.

Anyway, I made a tasteless joke after the recent Boston marathon bombing, I thought it was hilarious. Did it mean anything other than something occured to me and I found it amusing? Nope. That’s it. You have to be able find some humor in tragedy, you know, or you’ll never survive.

(My joke went something like, “RE: Boston Bombing: Adult Swim’s new add campaign?”)


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In Which I Spew Obscenities…

When my news feed blew up about Fred Phelps I thought they were talking about that olympic swimmer who was all over the headlines awhile (Years?) ago. (Wasn’t his last name Phelps? Probably not, I don’t care enough to look it up.) When I saw the Westboro affiliation the satisfaction people took in his illness, and now death, made more sense. I logged on this morning to this article in my news feed and felt compelled to talk about it.

First, I saw some posts urging people to protest the funeral and that kind of pissed me off. You (The general “you”.) were all bent out of shape because he, his family, and his church were protesting funerals, right? Okay. You said “That’s not right!”, “Have some respect!” “Fucktards!” (I’m paraphrasing.) So, the guy dies and the first thing YOU think is “It’s our turn to picket you, asswad!”

Okay, you’re a fucking hypocrite.

I understand the desire to give them what they’ve been dishing out but to do so will validate everything they’ve done. By taking that road you are making it a viable option. You are saying that this sort of behavior is okay if it suits YOUR outlook and YOUR beliefs. The best thing to do is ignore the occasion. If you’re religious, how about saying a prayer for the bastard, it’s not going to hurt you any to do so, it might even help if you’ve been affected by his people and their protesting and general outlook on things. Forgiveness, right? Or at the very least, indifference.

So, to the article, the Westboro Baptist Church has asked people not to picket, they are asking you to “have a little decency and respect by allowing us to mourn a great man who served God and tried to protect America from the threat of fags and perverts (i.e. gays and U.S. Soldiers).”

After seeing this, I can’t help but think they want people to picket. I don’t know why, maybe more publicity? They don’t seem rational so it’s up to us for cooler heads to prevail, right? Right?

Well, if they are sincere and this statement is not a ploy for some nefarious purpose then they are asking the people who hate them for the same courtesy that they denied others. I find that inspiring, it shows a faith in the very people they shun. Perhaps a hidden hope that with their leader gone they will find the way to forgiveness by following the actions of the people they hate with such ferocity.

…Fucking hypocrites!

There, you have something in common, now be a decent human being.

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In which I express my uneducated opinion…

I followed a link to this article from my Facebook news feed. The gist of it: “A Republican lawmaker in South Dakota believes that businesses should be able to deny services to African Americans, gay people, or anyone else who offends their religious beliefs.” Of course people are offended by this, people find ways to be offended by everything.

At every job I’ve had the employees were told that we (the establishment) have the right to refuse service to anyone. So, people can already chose to refuse service. It’s no one’s business WHY they refuse someone. Who cares why. You have the “right” to go somewhere else, not to force someone to do business with you.

I believe in personal freedom and personal responsibility, which is something that the guy in the article is touching on (As per my understanding of the quote and without having done any further research on the topic.) if a business refuses service based on race or sexual orientation, he believes that the general populace will refuse to have anything to do with that business and they will have reaped their own downfall. If someone chooses not to do business with someone else, for ANY reason, that’s their call. It doesn’t matter if it’s morally “right” or not, it’s their choice.

What does bother me is that he specifies “offends their religious beliefs”, to me “religious beliefs” is a statement waved around like a flag. It gives people the impression that they have the right to violate the rights of other people because other’s beliefs don’t match their own. When you bring religion into anything it just makes a mess. Leave it out. People have the right to refuse service to anyone. Don’t like it, get over it.

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To the Future: A New Blog of Honest

I was already behind on things when my mother died, then I just stopped. I couldn’t focus on reading and I wrote only sadness. It’s been a month and 17 days since she passed and I still find myself picking up the phone to call her. I can’t say the exact moment I realize she won’t answer, usually, it’s when I’m scrolling through my contacts, sometimes it’s when I hear the dial tone.

I’ve had many close calls myself, from nearly starving as a baby to choking on plastic as a toddler. I was nearly thrown out of the monkey cages at a street fair when I was a child, I ran blindly into traffic, I gave myself two black eyes, at the same time, while playing hide and seek. I nearly drowned once, I got lost many times, and I’ve put myself into many situations in which something terrible could have happened. It may seem stupid but I’m confident that I will not die. I have always felt that I have a purpose and as long as I live without achieving that purpose, I’ll live to do so. (Does that make sense?)

Somehow, I’ve always thought that I could keep the people I love alive by giving them some of my…I don’t know, really. I guess I just thought that the universe would realize that I need certain people and since the universe needs me, it’ll keep the people I love alive. (Yes, I know this sounds narcissistic, I am nothing if not self-aware.)

Anyway, I can’t help but feel that I could have done something, should have done something, to save her. My mother was a goddess in the greek tradition; larger than life and faulted but I loved her and I didn’t know she needed saving.

There’s an ache in my heart of loss and fear. I know that she was proud of me and I know she would want me to keep writing. Most things I’ve written have been impersonal. I am a private person and I have strong opinions and chaotic emotions, but I don’t usually share that with the world. I learned at a young age that there are people who see feeling as weakness and opinions as arrogance. I was careful to develop an image of detachment and aloofness and it has served me well, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I am who I am and this blog will reflect that.

I’ll probably put my foot in my metaphorical mouth a few times, and I’ll curse and spew out rants about things you probably don’t care about.  You probably won’t agree with what I say, or you may take offense to how I say it, that’s your right and no one is making you read this blog. If you feel compelled to comment, I encourage you to do so. If it’s about my shitty grammar, you’re probably right. This blog will be unedited because I want it to be honest and I tend to rewrite when I edit. If you’re posting your agreement, yay! Who couldn’t use more validation from strangers on the internet? If you’re disagreeing, then you’re welcome too, I don’t care what you say or how you say it as long as you’re honest. As mentioned above, I’m pretty narcissistic and I’m usually right, so say what you will but you’re (probably) not going to change my mind.

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